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The Three Words You Should Stop Texting

 

I caught myself doing something this week that I've been teaching other people not to do for years.

I was texting someone I care about, trying to be kind. I wrote, "no pressure, whenever you're ready." I wrote it half a dozen times to half a dozen different people, actually. It felt gentle. Considerate. The opposite of pushy.

Then I remembered my own rule, and had to go back and rewrite every single one.

Here's the thing about the mind. It doesn't process a negation the way we think it does. If I say don't think about a pink elephant, you just thought about a pink elephant. The "don't" doesn't erase the image, it just draws a circle around it first.

So when you tell someone "no pressure," their mind hears pressure, then tries to cancel it. When you say "no rush," it hears rush, then tries to talk itself down. You've planted the exact feeling you were trying to remove, right at the front of their mind, and asked them to un-feel it themselves.

It's such a small thing. And once you see it, you see it everywhere. "Don't worry." "No big deal." "I don't want to be a bother." Every one of them puts the unwanted thing on stage first, then asks the other person to walk it back off.

Here's the fix, and it's genuinely this simple. Say what you actually want them to feel, instead of naming what you don't want them to feel.

Instead of "no pressure," try "take whatever time feels right."
Instead of "don't worry," try "you're going to be fine."
Instead of "I don't want to be a bother," try "I'd love your help with this, whenever it works for you."

Same intention. Completely different image landing in their mind.

I've taught this for years to people working through anxiety and self-talk. It took catching myself doing it in a text message this week to remember how easily it slips past even someone who should know better.

So here's your gift for today. The next message you send to someone you care about, read it back before you hit send. Look for the word "no" or "don't" sitting in front of the very feeling you're trying to spare them. Then just say the thing you actually want them to feel instead.

It costs you nothing. And it might be the kindest edit you make all week.

Try it once today. I think you'll feel the difference land, both in what you send, and in how it comes back to you.

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