Skip to main content

Don't Fight Over Feelings


 One of the simplest things I've ever taught a couple came out of a coaching session this week.

I looked at them and said,

"Don't fight over feelings."

Then I paused.

"And honestly... it's almost always feelings."

Think about the last argument you had.

Maybe someone said,

"I feel like you don't listen to me."

"I feel alone."

"I feel criticized."

"I feel like I'm not enough."

The natural response is to defend yourself.

"That's not true."

"I never said that."

"You're overreacting."

"You're remembering it wrong."

But what if they weren't presenting evidence?

What if they were simply telling you what it felt like to be them in that moment?

There's nothing to prove.

There's nothing to win.

There's just another human being letting you see the world through their eyes.

That doesn't mean their feeling is the whole story.

It doesn't even mean it's accurate.

It means it's real to them.

That's enough.

One of the biggest changes I've made in my own life is catching myself when I start arguing with someone's experience instead of trying to understand it.

I've learned to get curious first.

"Tell me more."

"What's that like?"

"Help me understand."

Curiosity has saved more relationships than being right ever has.

Here's something else I've noticed.

Avoidance is a feeling before it becomes an action.

Defensiveness is a feeling before it becomes an argument.

The urge to fix, explain, withdraw, or attack usually starts as a feeling.

If I can notice the feeling, I have a choice.

If I miss it, the feeling starts making choices for me.

That one awareness changes everything.

The couple I was coaching realized something beautiful.

They had spent years arguing over whether each other's feelings were justified.

Now they're beginning to explore them instead.

That's a very different conversation.

One creates distance.

The other creates understanding.

The next time someone you love says something that immediately makes you want to defend yourself, try something different.

Take a breath.

Remind yourself:

This is a feeling, not a courtroom.

Then ask one simple question.

"Can you tell me more about that?"

You may discover that the moment you were preparing to defend yourself becomes the moment your partner finally feels understood.

And that's usually where healing begins.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Is Vortex Energy Real? A Soul Guide’s Honest Take After 30 Years in Sedona

  I first came to Sedona in 1990, long before it became a spiritual buzzword. Back then, the red rocks called to me the way a waterfall does—something bigger, older, and wiser than words. Locals spoke about “vortexes” the way you’d talk about the wind. Not to impress anyone. Just to point toward something you could feel . They told me the shape and mineral makeup of the land caused the Earth’s natural magnetic and electric energy to swirl in these places. Not in a spooky way—just like tuning forks or resonant chambers. If you were out of alignment, you might feel it like a jolt or a rush. But if you were in tune with the frequency? You’d just feel still. Like peace had pulled up a chair. Over the years, I’ve seen thousands come here searching for clarity, healing, release, or just a reason to breathe deeper. And while science has yet to “prove” vortexes are real, I’ve also never seen a peer-reviewed study on love. Doesn’t mean it’s not real. I’m not here to convince anyone. I’m...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Quick Way to Discover if you Really Do Love Yourself

If you’ve started down the road of self improvement, read any books, spent any time in therapy or done just about any work on yourself then you likely already know the importance of loving one’s self.   You’ve likely already heard, that you can’t truly love another until you fully love yourself.   That the emptiness you’re seeking to fill with the love of another first needs to be filled with your own love. If you’ve never read or been told this before, well now you know. If you already know this, are you really doing this?   Most of the clients I work with know full well the value and importance of self love.   They could likely write a blog post all about it.   But many have yet to fully believe they are lovable and as a result are not actually loving themselves or in most cases fear that they don’t truly love themselves. A part of this comes from having two brains,   the Intellectual and the emotional, the left and the righ...
Post a Comment
Read more

The 20's Could Be Your Best Decade Yet

What do you want to create in your life over the next 10 years?   Are you in search of more love, more abundance, more fun, more adventure, enlightenment?   What holds you back?   Have you chosen your theme for 2020 yet?   "2020 is my year of _____" .   It all begins with setting intentions.Here in Sedona we start every Soul Adventure with a Powerful Intention and light a candle.   When our clients get real about what they’re intending to create by their experience in Sedona the magic begins.   By the time we see them on their last day most have not only achieved their intended goals but surpassed them and surprised themselves along the way. Now is the time to set your intentions for 2020 or the entire decade if you wish.   You may want to actually write them down. Studies have shown that written goals are far more likely to be met than the ones we just think to ourselves.   Take a moment before the new year arrives ...
Post a Comment
Read more